Bad week

All week I’ve been going from being inspired and excited about my upcoming career, to feeling insecure and doubting my ability to perform. Maybe its because this has been a particularly difficult week in terms of work and I’m feeling as though I am slipping behind in my assignments. Or maybe it’s because I’m beginning to feel the finality of the situation that my tenure as a student is about to expire. Whatever the cause of these feelings they’re beginning to negatively affect my work. Taking a long time to design something because you are experimenting with new ideas is different than being slowed by doubt. The Later is restricting and leaves even the finished product with the distinction of lacking something.
In trying to make sense of my sudden mood swing, I’ve equated the change in my sleep schedule, my relationship with Cary becoming strained as of late and the uncommonly large volume of assignments due this week as all being contributors. Feelings like what I’m experiencing now often become more tangible when I write them down, allowing me to focus on changing them.
In my business classes, fears of change like what I’m experiencing now would be called homeostasis, which is the tendency of organisms or systems to remain the same. It’s a survival mechanism of sorts that lessens the chance of unnecessary risk, an if it’s not broken then don’t fix it instinct of sorts. What I need to do now is not think of these feelings in terms of doubt but something along the lines of skills assessment. Perhaps I’m becoming more critical and restrictive in my work because my mind is making sure that I am prepared for graduation and the changes in my life that will follow.
Still when I was reading the section in Building Design Portfolio’s about portfolio’s that got jobs, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I just don’t get it. That I don’t have that daring creative talent possessed by the students portrayed there. I like my work, but secretly I feel it is more imitative than innovative.
This mindset I’m in right now really isn’t indicative of my personality. Usually I’m excited about getting a job and when I see the work of someone more skilled than myself I often think “man that’s awesome I’m gonna try something like that”. I’m hoping that alls I need to shake myself out of this funk is a fun Friday night and maybe a call home. Typically that does the trick